I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
