Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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