from now on my penis is your penis
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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