I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
