Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
