meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
