I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
