It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
