i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
