Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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