Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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