Umm I'm too high to move.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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