What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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