She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
