My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
