My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize