Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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