so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
