Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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