this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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