I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
