Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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