Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
