You smell like a Billy Joel song
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Your cock deserves a montage
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
