i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
