Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
