Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
