I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
