Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize