I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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