I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
