there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
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