i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
