just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
