Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
