i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
