Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
