so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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