just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
