I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
