Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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