this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize