it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
