I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
