Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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