If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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