dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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