Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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