I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
