New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Is Oprah even human
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize