i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
