Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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