Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
