yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You made out with two different species that night
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
