why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
