I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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