I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
pray to the hookup gods
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
