My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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