God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
