Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
