I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
