The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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